A lovely woman emailed me with her questions about how to stay with emotions in moments when they feel too overwhelming to feel. With her permission, I’m including her email here:
“You said something that hit me.…which is that the story we attach to the energy that is flowing creates more discomfort (or that’s how I’m perceiving it is for me)…. I am finding it a challenge to allow for such discomfort in the moment of the uncomfortable “angry” or “self sabotage” or “beating myself up b/c I’m not perfect” energies, and very aware of the stories I attach during those times. I find I cannot even sit calmly and observe it, I’m so overtaken – (Ex: yesterday I was getting more worked up about something I was doing wrong to the point that I could watch myself, but could not sit and be with the emotion, accept the emotion, and release the story I knew I was creating in that moment. I had to go for a walk. And part of me wonders, what if I could have sat there and released the story – would the energy really flowed through and would the anger go away? Is it the story that creates the anger?
Was there a practice you had that reminded you to do this when that happens when you’re angry, beating yourself up, or noticing self sabotage in the moment – where you could be with it w/out a story? ie: the story as it’s happening and the discomfort partnered with it as it’s perceived?”
Thank you so much for asking me this! First and foremost, the fact that you are AWARE that there is a difference between energies moving through and the story we attach to it is THE major practice. Keep giving your attention to that fact! That is amazing, and it is what gives you space to do more than ACCEPT and be present with whatever is rolling through. It helps you understand that the energies are safe and that the mind is just doing its job of loving and protecting you by trying to put you back into a known story. That understanding makes any need to accept just, well, irrelevant and unnecessary. Truly, that space between you and the stories will start to expand more and more, which will allow you to be more and more present to the energies rolling through without pigeon-holing them into pre-fab identities of the “angry,” “self-sabotaging,” or self critical” person.
Secondly, you wonder if the energies really would have moved through if you were able to be with them? In my experience, yes. In fact, if we give our attention to them, that’s what makes them able to shift – rather than us resisting them, plugging them into a story, and keeping that story going (which keeps the discomfort going). I’ve heard that it takes about 90 seconds for the biochemical process of an emotion to move through (once we actually feel it). Remember that feeling the physical sensations of the emotion is very different than telling a story about it and stewing about it. Being in the head’s repetitive thoughts is very different than being in the body’s in-the-moment experience.
Remember that our brains are trying to distract us from the raw energy by plugging it into a “known” story. The brain mistakenly believes it is helping us to avoid threat. But it keeps the “threatening” sensation going by keeping the threatening story going, which holds the energy in place and doesn’t let it shift.
Okay, so I hear you that you would like some suggestions about what would help you in those red hot moments when you want to run from the seemingly overwhelming energies!! I can certainly share what helps me in those moments!
First, see if you can STOP. Literally stop moving and be still. When I feel some energy coming up in me that feels overwhelming, I often get REALLY busy. I know that I am avoiding, and I’ll often hear my mind say “yeah, I’ll sit down and feel it after I get these things done.” My mind tells me that the errands, the email, the whatever is WAY more important than me sitting down to attend to the discomfort inside me! It sounds like you have the same awareness in the back of your mind as you go through these moments. So, if possible STOP. And here’s the thing, eventually, we DO stop. We can’t keep it up forever. We naturally come to a more still place where we’re able to go inside and check it out. So whenever you can stop, either then or later, then really be stopped. Be still.
It helps me to sit in a position I don’t normally sit in. It helps me be present, helps me break the trance of the mental panic – partly because it literally requires that I step out of the usual neural pathways and into the new ones of that physical position. I like to sit on my heels on the floor in those moments. Or, sit perched on a chair I’ve dragged into the middle of the room. Or sit on the floor, a table, or somewhere in a room or part of my house I don’t usually sit in. Again, it literally gives us a new vantage point and wakes up new neural pathways in the body. It signifies a “specialness,” or that something new is happening. It helps with separating ourselves from the old stories and identities.
It also helps me to set a timer. When I am feeling overwhelmed by some kind of mounting internal pressure of energy, it can feel like if I actually sat down to attend to it I would be spending DAYS feeling the hugeness of it! (Which is a story that is designed to help me avoid the energy). So if I can set a timer, I let my brain know it will just be for this teeny chunk of time. Maybe 5 minutes on the timer. Every single time I’ve done this, by the time the timer goes off, the energy has either completely moved through, or it has shifted enough that I am not only able to stay with it, but want to. I feel engaged and interested in what is rolling through and I actually want to stay with it.
Super importantly, the next thing that helps is to give my attention to my physical body. To give my attention to the physical sensations I can feel in my body. Not to change any of them, but to notice whatever is there. I get curious about “how does it feel to be inside my skin right now?” I catalog what is there. Is there a pressure in my chest? My throat? Do I notice pain anywhere? Is my breathing fast or slow? Maybe there is a sense of trembling, or being super cold, or like there is energy moving so fast through me it is enervating every muscle. Maybe there are images flooding me. Maybe there is even something that feels truly like I am PISSED, but I don’t have to have that anger be about anything in particular. Move down out of the head and into the body. Staying with what can actually be felt below the neck IS the process of staying with the energy rather than the story.
Hopefully some of that is helpful to you – especially in terms of growing your wonderful awareness of what the energy is and the difference between that innocent, fresh, spontaneous movement of LIFE, versus the repetitive patterns of a story or identity trying to keep things from shifting so that it keeps you “safe” from feeling and from the unknown!
We’re free. We really are free to experience each moment without trying to make it fit into past stories and identities.
Thank you for writing me with your question. It helped me to answer it, and my guess is that it will help others too.
Love,
Chris
