Being Human, “Important Causes” and Room for “Mistakes”

Hi everyone. I shared in my last writing that something had come up recently that really rattled me. The essence of it is that there’s been a tension between two parties I know and am connected to.  We’ll call them Peter and Joyce.  I myself can see things that make sense to me in both Peter and Joyce’s perspectives.  Peter and Joyce are talking to friends and families and getting more and more worked up about it.  Their perspectives are now becoming about “the principle of the thing,” and what is “morally and ethically right.”  I myself listened to both sides, felt swept up in both arguments. Caught up in the moment and fresh from a conversation with a friend, busy with my own mind’s desire to voice “my” beliefs, I called Peter to tell him Super unfortunately, I did it at a moment where things were actually starting to calm down!  The action felt good for a second – having done something to relieve the internal pressure I was feeling. But then, free from the pressure for a moment, I was able to see how completely unnecessary my phone call was. I could also sense that what I said was coming from a superficial understanding and it was rushed and incomplete. My sense of the situation and any involvement I needed to make and how – all of that needed more time to settle in with me before I acted.

I can see me, Peter and Joyce have all stopped thinking it out for ourselves and gotten lost in a concept of “what’s right.”  Causes become about the cause – a solid, almost tangible thing.  We begin to serve The Cause (capital letters) and forget the actual circumstances of the moment and the fact that we are interacting with other human beings in this, unique moment. Focused on “the principle of the thing,” we’re blind to what actually makes sense in the particulars of here and now.

Whether it’s our thinking that is sweeping us along, the wash of popular opinion or the opinions of close family and friends, we forget to sit quietly and feel it out for ourselves. Caught up in the fervor of our minds, or group mind, we take action!!!  It can feel like such a rush, or almost a feel-good, and often has a sense of relief just to have alleviated some pressure!  That was certainly true in my case. The urgency of “The Cause” was fueled by my deep discomfort, and taking action seemed to offer some way to fix the thing I thought was making me uncomfortable to begin with.  We, I, forget to pause. To take a moment to settle down and let calmness return.  I forgot to take a moment to be alive to the actual people and to what makes sense.

We humans often want to ACT NOW! In that fevered pitch of believing that not only is there a problem (which often there isn’t, or wouldn’t be if we waited a day).  We believe that our “problem” is so unbearable and the feelings are so unacceptable that we have to take some action, any action, and NOW, so that we don’t have to feel that discomfort.  The discomfort is so often some form of fear. Including the fear of pain, grief, separation that we imagine will destroy us to feel. 

And so we do what I did – we act before we feel it out. I can see that if I would have given myself time, I would have settled down naturally. I would have had time to just be with all the information and it would have found its way naturally, rather than needing a forced action.  Instead I did take that action based on a bunch of concepts – I made a phone call to a neighbor to “make my point,” to demonstrate my “right answer, “ to “take a stand”  and to tell her I disagreed with her flawed thinking. Sheesh. 

The single neighbor, and the collective thinking of the group of neighbors, would likely have settled down a bit too.  Whether it’s my personal thinking between my own ears, or school-of-fish thinking, all thinking settles down when we leave it alone.  If we don’t stir it up by taking action, engaging in more of the same thinking or making unnecessary, righteous phone calls!  Life moves on if we let it.  The mind moves on to some other topic. It’s our constant poking at it, steady stream of news-stories that keep topics alive, fixation on the details with friends and families – all of that is what keeps our chokehold on a “problem” that doesn’t allow it to move naturally and find its own solution.  All of those ways of holding onto a problem are in fact what often perpetuates, aggravates and even creates the suffering we experience. 

Now, me beating myself up because I made the phone call and didn’t remember all that at the time – that’s just more of the same.  It’s me continuing to hold onto it.  I can see that it’s my mind stirring it up again, keeping “the problem” alive and keeping me in suffering about it.  I’m human.  We’re all human.  Sometimes we see clearly and sometimes we don’t.  That’s the nature of having a mind.

We all have minds that get caught up. Bu we all have hearts too.  We’re all beautiful, well-meaning, ultimately loving creatures just doing the best we can.  There has to be room for us to be “imperfect,” get caught up in judgements, forget to wonder about why the human in front of us is acting in ways we don’t understand.  There has to be room for us to be forgetful and do stupid stuff that we regret later.  We can have compassion for ourselves and our own rash acts, and for the actions of others we don’t understand. Because we can always come back to knowing that everyone is doing the best they can from whatever they can see in the moment.  It helps me to know that 100% of those rash acts come from someone, or some group, being caught up in thinking that seems real.  All acts of understanding, compassion and cooperation come from the unhurried, peaceful and loving place of a calm mind and heart.  The calm mind and heart know that they are safe.  All is well.  And there is no loss in saying “oh well. Stuff happens.” The calm mind and heart can let go of its clenched grab on the apparent drama of the moment and relax back into the steady stream of life. 

Oh well. Exhale. Now onto the next moment and my peaceful relationship to whatever shows up next. 

Thank you for being fellow humans with me. We really are all in this together, and I’m grateful for it.
So much love and appreciation to you,
Christina