| Hi everyone. I had a couple thoughts today I’d like to share. About avoiding myself. You know me, and of course I do sit down often and go inside. Yet there are also LOTS of times when I avoid it like crazy. I’ll be feeling some uncomfortable feeling and know that if I sat down and went inside, it would benefit me. In any number of ways. And yet I avoid. Basically I do the equivalent of running around with my fingers in my ears, saying “LA LA LA LA LA – I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” I keep myself busy and keep my discomfort from having a chance to rise up and tell me whatever it is that it needs to share. I know why. Actually, there are lots of reasons. And they’re not new thoughts. But here are two that showed up in a new way for me today. First: Today after I finally sat down and sidled up to myself, consciously curious about why I resist going inside sometimes, a little voice said “Because. You aren’t coming in here to be with me. You’re coming in here to make me feel different, be different. To change me, fix me and whip me into shape. You’re super serious and painful.” It’s true. I’m getting better at sitting inside myself just to feel the joy of it. To be with myself in the awareness of LIFE! To sit down with whatever is in there and celebrate together. Notice the sunset together. To sit side by side, not trying to change whatever is there, but to be with it as I am also in awe of being alive. I’d run too if I knew my life partner was in that mood again and was going to sit me down, give me a lecture, and try to make me change instead of listen to me and be with me. Second: There is a HUGE part of me that is totally scared of going inside because it thinks all the “okayness” is out there and needs focus entirely on how to get it. Going inside feels like certain disconnection from safety. It feels like it will literally be certain death. I know all the “why’s,” but it still terrifies that part of me. And that part of me is a perfect example of a part that needs love, not a scolding. It needs me to just show up and be with it in love. To sit with it, listen to anything it wants to say, and NOT TRY TO CHANGE IT, which will only freak it out more. This part of me that’s afraid of listening to the inner authority because it might mean I’ll die from not following “the rules” out there. Like I said, these aren’t new thoughts. Just more deeply felt today. And from new “aha’s” that landed differently in the body. I just wanted to name this and share it. It’s helping me get even more solid ground about truly allowing every part of me. It’s all good. It’s all God. It’s all some form of love trying to love me. In the end, that’s what all the parts are, after all. Even if some of those parts are working with really confused ideas. Thank you for reading this. And if you are, I hope you find more kindness and celebration for yourself too. That you can sit with total acceptance of whatever is showing up, rather than try to make any part of you be different. It’s all good. It’s all God. It’s all some form of love trying to love you. And everybody, I love you too, C |
