Anytime we feel defensive or protective, that is a huge indicator that our sense of identity feels threatened. Identity is really just an idea of who we think we are. We’re used to thinking of ourselves as a solid set of concepts: “I stand for this…..; I like these things……; I have a history of…..; I am the kind of person who….” We have a fixed sense of ourselves, which gives us a way to relate to life. Having a predetermined knowing of where we stand and how to act and respond to life give us a sense of safety and security. We think need to be right, and to have things defined, in order to feel secure.
When someone or something suggests an alternative viewpoint to our pre-determined ideas of “right and wrong,” the identified us can freak out. It thinks, “Well, if they are right, then I am wrong.” Sometimes we can get angry in response to that and protect and defend ourselves by making others “stupid” and “wrong.” Other times we can protect and defend by shrinking and making ourselves wrong and trying to conform to what is “right.”
It feels awful. Comparison for the purpose of deciding which one is “better” just straight up hurts. Judging someone negatively or declaring them stupid brings up a feeling of “non wellbeing” in me. It can make us feel ill, ill at ease, defensive, protected and completely unavailable to actually hear and respond to the person, moment, situation.
For me, I’d like to let go of being against anything, so that I can truly listen to and move with Life as it happens. Life is always fresh and revealing new things, change. I want to be able to listen and “update my file” regularly, as a friend once called it. 😉 I want to be able to listen to others as they speak. I want to listen to all the parts of myself to hear what is there. I want to be open to seeing something new. There is always something new beyond my current structures of understanding. I’d like to be open and curious, rather than against anyone, anything or any aspect of “myself,” whatever that is!? And let me tell you, I’ve spent a lot of time being against myself in the past. As Byron Katie says, the violence we commit against ourselves is reflected in how we relate to others. How can we end war “out there” if we are still at war with ourselves. The microcosm is the macrocosm.
As long as there is any form of “I’m wrong,” or “they are wrong,” there is no way for me to be relaxed. I can’t be what I naturally am, since I am only accepting the parts of me or the parts of life that fit within that fixed idea of the safe, defined “way things should be.” That stance not only denies any variety and change in the world, it doesn’t let me change and grow either.
I am gradually opening and softening the against-ness within me. In the meantime, I am so FOR relaxing in my life. Not defending, opening my identity and relaxing – that just feels good in my body. May we all relax out of the ideas of right and wrong and be available to the gifts that are available in true freedom.
I love how you look at life, and especially appreciated what you said about making comparisons. Your honest and vulnerable way of sharing inspires me to “update my files” right now!