I’ve been afraid for a long time.
I know things felt scary
to the me that I was.
Back then the protection, the contraction
made sense.
And yet now I’m opening to some other knowing
that seems to be coming from this more alive aliveness – 
this owning of the present moment as true
and truly real. 
All the phantoms of eery, lurking danger
and anger are dissolving into an extraordinary, clear space of
freedom now.  
Of options and wisdom
that I feel flowing softly up from some deep place inside
like a flower, a seed, waiting through winter
for the right moment to grow
to spread into existence
to reveal its’ perfect, reliable springtime of truth.

~~ Love you, Christina

Be curious about love.
Open your mind and wonder about the nature of it.
What is it that elates us,
fills us with meaning and connection –
with people, and 
with Life Itself?
How does it move in the world? Appear? And in what forms?
That which makes our hearts full
and our bodies feel…
That which deeply enters us, changes us,
lifts us into new understandings
of what it means to be.
What we value.
What we cherish.
Contemplate love.
Turn your mind and wonder in that direction.
That’s what gently flows the energy that grows the unbounded,
belonging love for all things.
And which always includes ourselves.

~~ Love you, Christina

I’m not hurrying to get things done before I die. I am relaxing into every moment of aliveness.

To gobble it up like a binge, cramming as much in as possible before it goes away, has meant living in a state of lack. Which means no matter how much I cram in, there’s always the sense of never enough. And that has inevitably translated into a sense that I myself am not enough.

Everyone I’ve ever talked to about this can relate to having had a feeling of “there’s not enough,” or “I’m not enough.” I think it’s part of the human experience and the illusion of separation. More and more science backs up the truth we can all feel on some level –  that everything is connected and ultimately made of the same thing, and so ultimately everything is one life force expressing itself in many forms.  But in our day-to-day human experience, we feel separate. And lacking. We feel that we have to get what we need from someone or something “out there.“  And we mistakenly identify with the idea of lack.

I’m waking up out of that virtual reality. That false identity. I’m the fish finally experiencing the unfathomably abundant water all around it.  I’m the fish realizing it is a part of the vast ocean of unending, creative life force.  There is enough. I am enough. I am the Enoughness, expressed.  Everything is. You too. 

Awake to this Infinite Fullness, I’m amazed to see how many of my actions were driven from this sense of lack.  Now that I know there is enough, that I AM enough, I never have to cram food, rush to “get,” speed on the freeway, know the “right” answer, freak out over the exact wording, go against what feels right to me, pretend to be or feel something I’m not, try to manipulate myself or others, or attempt to control or convince anyone of anything, including myself.
 
Now that I know there is enough, I don’t have to do any of that anymore, because there is more than enough food, time, opportunity, safety, health, approval, money, love and belonging – right here where I am standing.  Or swimming, floating, basking……… 😉 We are such cute little fishies!  We are such a magnificent ocean.

I love the way that phrase feels. I love noticing how something feels and following that, rather than working hard to find “clever” words, actions, ways of doing.  Relax into trust.   Ahhhh the sensation of that in my body…

When I say the word relax, I feel myself let go a little bit. Almost like the word reminds me, “oh yeah. I was a little uptight, and I can actually sit back a bit. I can take a breath. I can soften the tension in my shoulders and back. I can shift into a more comfortable position. Oh yeah. I’ve come back to myself.”  All that kinds of gently rolls through me when I hear the word relax, remind myself to relax.

This morning, the calmness of relaxing is in a soft energy around me. Peaceful. Nothing to do. Nothing that needs to get done.  And I notice a curiosity about the feeling of relaxation.  There is even a little voice, a little message that is floating around me that whispers, “Watch the relaxation, and see what it does.”  It’s suggesting that I follow that feeling, be curious about it, and let the relaxed feeling flow how it wants to in my life.  It’s telling me that there is a freedom, a potential that is opening up around this feeling of relaxation.  Watch the relaxation and see what it does.  Like being carried on a wise, wide river of wellbeing. Then watching IT find the powerful, easy paths in my life.  My days. My precious, day-to-day, mundane, awe-invoking moments of aliveness.  Relaxing into the trust of all that……..

My Very Alive Beach Walk 🙂
Exquisiite Sand Drawings, Dolphins, Seals, Beautiful Heart-Connections
and Stepping Out of the Lie of My Thinking.
A few mornings ago, I was really caught up in some untrue thinking.  And it hurt. A lot. My mind was showing me lots of details and “evidence” about how I am on the “outside.”  It was telling me all about how “other people” have it figured out and are included in life and get to enjoy it. That somehow they are worthy of it, but not me.  You know. Those magical, blessed “other people.” We all have thoughts along these lines. The thoughts themselves are not a problem. Thoughts come and go. That’s what the brain does.  The suffering came from me believing the thoughts. 

Luckily, some part of me was still aware as the witnesser of the thoughts.  There was just enough space between me and the thoughts that I could remember that if it hurts, it’s bogus thinking. 

So rather than continue engaging with the false thoughts and evidence, trying to make myself feel better within the faulty reality of “the problem,” I turned my curiosity and attention to the “witness me.”  And to the moment.  The now.  I gave my attention to this aliveness that I am not only part of, but that I AM. 

I headed for the beach.  I breathed. I talked to myself in the car and admired and appreciated so many things. By the time I got to the beach, I was already feeling the freedom of stepping out of the stories of separation.  A magical morning proceeded to unfold! 

I walked on the beach, continuing to enjoy people, birds, waves… I walked with a smile  on my face that radiating from the inside. When I passed people they smiled too.  I noticed one woman in particular who had such an openness about her. We genuinely saw each other and I felt my heart expand in the few seconds and smiles as we passed each other. 

Towards the end of my walk, I came across some amazing LIFE magic!  Exquisite sand drawings!  Lotus, koi, palm trees, flowers, in mandalas that were so beautifully made! The drawings included these phrases in the design or placed nearby: 
You matter. 
You are amazing. 
Be a kind human.
And, yes, “Breathe. You are alive.”

Messages just for me. Yes, I AM alive. Right now!  No waiting to figure out how to get “in” to life.  And yes, I am learning to be a kind human – to myself too!

I went back to my car to get my phone to take pictures, and when I returned, the smiling woman I’d seen earlier was there.  And we had an amazing, heart-connected, conversation about our appreciation of life, including each other!  It brought us both to tears, we were so moved by the gift of the drawings, the gift of the blessings of life, and the gift of our encounter. 

When I retrieved my phone, there was a text from a dear person wanting some support. It worked out perfectly for her to come do a session with me on the beach!  While I was waiting for her to arrive, I did some qigong. Smiling and looking out at the ocean, basking in the amazing feeling of BEING ALIVE, I saw the magic of dolphins playing in the surf. When the woman arrived, during our session we saw a seal, too!  Then, when I arrived home, heart full and feeling so nourished by life, a neighbor had left another colored-in coloring page for me to find. This one saying “We All Belong.” 

Yes, me too. You too. We all belong. We are all part of life, and that never changes – even if we THINK it does and have a moment of believing that thought.  Breathe. You are alive. Right now. No “worthiness” to achieve.  No figuring out needed. 

You matter.
You are amazing.
Be a kind human – to yourself as much as to others.
Breathe. You are alive!